Do You Ever Wonder Why?

If I had to guess, everyone has at least one moment in their life that forces them to ask "why". In fact, I would argue that most people have more than one of those moments. I could name several in my own life. However, there is one "why" that always leaves me hanging. Why does my father not want to be a part of my life? I bet I am not alone in this aspect. Some might blame themselves for this. However,  I have never had a relationship with him. How could I blame myself? The only thing I am guilty of in that regard is being born. Was that such a terrible thing? Now, to be fair, I can imagine that it would be a scary thing to a 19 year old young adult who isn't ready to be a father. That part I get. My "why" has more to do with the 44 year old family man who has the opportunity to make up for mistakes of the past. Is he scared? Is he shy? Is he embarrassed? Is he even the least bit curious? Why? Why not? Is it up to me to initiate contact? I did that already. Why? Why not? Should I try again? I thought I did that, too. Why? Why not? Will I ever have any type of relationship with him? Why? Why not? Will my questions ever be answered? It's hard not knowing. All that I can do I guess is just wait and pray.